Goals > Values
Big Families and Big Tent Politics
After the kids went to bed recently, my wife and I were sitting on the couch when she came across an article with a headline that said that big families are the new status symbol. When I tried to find the article later, I discovered that this was the subject of more than a few thought pieces and social posts. She joked that this would be the next attack ad from “them.” Of all the lies contained in opposition ads during my state senate campaign, being labeled an out-of-touch millionaire was on a scale of offensiveness, somewhere between the ones aimed at stoking fears of immigrant Latinos, and this truly bizarre one from the NH Senate Republicans.
I’ve never supported these taxes, but the GOP running ads on tax fear, regardless of a candidate’s record, doesn’t show any signs of stopping, so plan accordingly. As an aside, and some free advice to any future, local Democratic candidates: craft a platform that reflects consensus in your community, no more, no less, and try not to worry that some of your other positions may require a little more explanation to doubtful voters. Republican leadership will attack based on what they think will land with their voters, and that may have nothing to do with where you live, or what you want to champion.
Although the “taxpedo” is the lamest form of schoolyard messaging of the Pledge (i.e. the promise to not support a sales or income tax in New Hampshire) that I’ve seen, that doesn’t mean it didn’t work for some voters, which probably means that equating a big family to having a cushy lifestyle could also work for some voters. Maybe nothing says elitism like a big family to some people, but not for us.
Both my wife and I grew up in big, Catholic families where immigrant-level work ethic wasn’t celebrated; it was expected. My mom is the oldest of five, and my wife is the oldest of nine. Large, loud, and busy families feel right to us because it’s how we were raised, so it’s no accident that we would have one of our own. Big families aren’t about status to us; they’re about purpose and happiness, but they aren’t easy.
Starting off where we did as a couple, just out of school with over a quarter million dollars in student loan debt and dreams of growing a family, we know we’re fortunate that simply working our asses off was enough to get us to where we are now; a ways off from being able to retire, but raising our four kids in a great community and able to afford our everyday-needs. We both come from humble-enough beginnings to know that hard work sometimes isn’t enough, so in school and in starting our careers, anything less than maximum effort was not acceptable for either of us. It comes through in the way we raise our kids.
While we may have different methodologies than our own parents had in raising us, one thing we’ve passed down to our own kids is that we celebrate effort, and treat achievement as the natural result of hard work. Being a little uncomfortable is normal for growth and we do our best to help our kids see that. It’s why they’ve learned that part of being a family is not always getting everything you want exactly when you want it. Being okay with that is one expression of love in a big family, and it’s something that is lacking in the politics of trying to bring together people with differing values, but shared goals that should theoretically make those differences seem small in comparison.
Big tent politics seems to imply two things, please everyone and help everyone. It’s nearly impossible to help every person that truly has nowhere else to turn and also please everyone at the same time. The reason this doesn’t work should be obvious to anyone with a big family. They are two opposing ideas, not in a moral sense, but in a practical one. To be the last safe place for people that have no other allies requires sacrifice from everyone else under the tent, and it’s not normal to have endless empathy or expect others to have it as well. Fair or not, the cover charge for being in the Democrats’ big tent appears to be some level of personal sacrifice, which is not appealing to anyone trying to decide if they belong.
Trying to help and please, at the same time, all the time, is not the way I lead my family, and it’s not the way any other father or parent would lead their big family. Yes, we obviously love every one of our kids, but they don’t all get their way all the time. There will always be disappointment, but it’s the cost of a cohesive, loving family, and our kids know that. As much as we’d like to think as parents that we can just direct our kids to have our values, it’s not realistic, but what we can do is acknowledge that they’re all different, and give each of them their time to shine the brightest. Big tent politics would be better served if it looked more like a happy and functional big family, which means getting the people you care for to deal with each other’s perceived faults and see their strengths as their defining characteristics.
Big tent politics is what we have, for better or worse, and we’re going to need to stop punishing each other so much and give everyone a moment in the spotlight, if we’re going to make a step towards progress on Election Day 2026 in a little over a year from now. We’re all going to have to get used to being a little uncomfortable, and if we’re lucky, hard work will be enough.